Forgiveness Is Not Reconciliation

“They haven’t apologized, so why should I forgive them?”

“They don’t deserve my forgiveness.”

“Why should I be the bigger person?”

“Some things are unforgivable.”

Have you ever resonated with any of these phrases? I know I have.  There are people in my life who have hurt me so badly through abuse, abandonment, betrayal, and other wounds so painful that I once believed I could never forgive them.  What was done to me, and the pain it caused, felt insurmountable.

Over time, I came to realize that I had a very wrong understanding of what forgiveness actually is.

I believed that forgiving someone meant saying that what they did wasn’t wrong.  Or that it meant giving them another opportunity to hurt me.

I thought forgiveness meant letting someone off the hook for the pain they had caused me.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

We were not meant to carry pain the weight of our pain forever, nor were we meant to place ourselves back in situations where we could be hurt again.

Imagine this –

When someone hurts us, we can end up carrying the heavy weight of the pain they caused.  It can feel like a chain connecting us to what happened – to the person, the betrayal, the abandonment, the abuse, or the injustice.

For a long time, I thought that forgiving someone meant taking that heavy weight and chain off of them, as though they were getting away with what they had done.

What I didn’t realize was that the perpetrator was also connected to that chain.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean removing the consequences of their actions or declaring that what they did was okay.  It means releasing myself from the weight and chain of what they did to me.

For the perpetrator to be free of the weight and chain, they have to do their own work of repentance, accountability, restitution, and transformation.

What was life-changing for me was realizing that I can be released from carrying the weight and chain of what happened to me, whether the person who hurt me chooses to change or not.

My freedom does not have to depend on their apology.  My healing does not have to depend on their repentance.  Forgiveness means that I am released from the pain and no longer give the perpetrator power over me.

Forgiveness is not Reconciliation

Forgiveness does not mean that we then reconcile with that person and continue to be in a situation where they can continue to cause us pain.

It is important to establish healthy boundaries with this person which can mean decreasing access or perhaps even saying goodbye to this person.  To learn more about healthy boundaries, click here.

Signs of Unforgiveness

• Replaying the offense(s)
• Persistent anger or resentment towards person or people who caused hurt
• Desiring for them to “get what they deserve”
• Lying awake at night from painful memories
• Feeling emotionally triggered whenever any reference towards the person or situation comes up
• Difficulty trusting others
• Lack of joy in life and experiencing life with negativity, cynicism, or sarcasm

Neuroscience of Forgiveness

From a neuroscience perspective, forgiveness involves changes in how the brain handles emotions, stress, memories, and relationships.

Brain’s Alarm System

When someone experiences betrayal, rejection, or unfair treatment, the amygdala, a part of the brain that helps detect danger, can become active and trigger the release of stress hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline.

When the Stress Response Won’t Shut Off

This response helps protect us from being hurt again, but repeatedly thinking about the painful experience can keep the brain’s stress response active.  This activated stress response can contribute to anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, sleep disturbances, cardiovascular disease, high blood pressure, and decreased immune system function.

Shifting to a Calmer Part of the Brain

Forgiveness involves using other parts of the brain that help with empathy, understanding another person’s point of view, controlling emotions, and thinking through situations in a calmer way.

This process, called cognitive reappraisal, means changing how we think about an experience instead of constantly reacting to it.

Not Forgetting – Reframing

Because of this, forgiveness is not simply forgetting what happened or saying that the harm was okay; it is an active process that requires the brain to manage emotional reactions and view the situation from a different perspective.

The Payoff of Forgiveness

When a person forgives and releases feelings of resentment and bitterness, it can lead to positive changes in the body and mind, supporting long-term health, greater resilience, a stronger sense of control, and a renewed sense of purpose.

Confidence Story Spotlight

A Hero Worth Remembering

One of my favorite books, and one of my heroes, is Corrie ten Boom and her story The Hiding Place. Corrie grew up in the early 1900s in the Netherlands with her father, a watchmaker, and her sister, Betsie.

Hiding the Hunted

During World War II, Corrie, along with her father and sister, bravely hid Jews in their home to save them from deportation to the concentration camps.  They were eventually betrayed and sent to Ravensbrück, one of the most notorious concentration camps.

Life Inside Ravensbrück

The conditions there were horrific. In her book, Corrie describes being forced to live in overcrowded barracks infested with fleas and lice, given barely enough food to survive, and made to perform hard labor. Beyond the physical brutality, they were also subjected to deliberate psychological torment —including being stripped naked and forced to stand in freezing conditions in front of male guards.

A Family Lost

Corrie was released from Ravensbrück in December 1944, but her sister Betsie died in the camp shortly before her release. Her father, Casper, had died just ten days after their arrest, while still imprisoned in the Netherlands, never even reaching the camp. Corrie was left utterly alone, having lost both her father and her sister to the consequences of their courage.

The Weight of Forgiveness

Understandably, Corrie struggled with anger and resentment after her release, and wrestled deeply with the idea of forgiveness. She describes the moment that struggle was put to its ultimate test — standing face to face with one of her former captors. The man told her he had come to recognize the terrible things he’d done, that he had asked God to forgive him, and he asked if she would forgive him too.

“Forgiveness is an act of the will, and the will can function regardless of the temperature of the heart.”

Corrie writes of standing there, remembering everything he had done to her and having watched her sister die a slow, horrible death — and feeling a coldness fill her heart. The thought that came to her was that “forgiveness is an act of the will, and the will can function regardless of the temperature of the heart.”

The Turning Point

Corrie then describes what happens next, “And so woodenly, mechanically, I thrust my hand into the one stretched out to me. And as I did, an incredible thing took place. The current started in my shoulder, raced down my arm, sprang into our joined hands. And then this healing warmth seemed to flood my whole being, bringing tears to my eyes.”

How to Forgive

Fact versus Impact: There are two parts to every hurt: the fact of what happened to you and the impact of how it affects you long term.  Forgiveness needs to occur once for the fact of what happened to you and then may need to continue daily for the long-term impact.

Releasing Yourself: The words of forgiveness are simple: “I forgive X for ____.”  I have found that these words are strongest when a person visualizes being released from the weight and chain of the pain tying them to another person or situation.

Releasing yourself also means embracing self-forgiveness. Without it, you may forgive everyone around you and yet remain unable to experience the true freedom that forgiveness offers. That freedom comes when you extend the same forgiveness to yourself.

Wishing the Offender Well: This may seem like the hardest part, but it’s perhaps actually the easiest. For someone to be truly well, they must be right with themselves and right with those around them — which often includes accountability, repentance, and repair for the harm done.

The image I’ve found helpful is this: as I release myself from the weight and chain of pain the other person has caused me, I imagine handing that weight fully over to them — while at the same time wishing them the grace to work it out fully in their own life, whether or not I ever see the results.

How Homeopathy Can Help

Homeopathic medicines are gentle, highly diluted, non-toxic preparations that are generally considered safe and are commonly used without risk of adverse effects. Homeopathy, through using the principle of like cures like, may help individuals who feel:

• Resentment
• Bitterness
• Suppressed indignation
• Anger, irritability
• Dwelling on past hurts
• Emotional withdrawal
• Being easily offended and hurt