Who Am I? The Stories That Shape Identity

These are questions that we all ask ourselves, sometimes daily. A characteristic that is uniquely human is that we are storytellers. The stories that we tell ourselves form our identity or what we believe about ourselves.

Each of our stories is formed from words that are spoken over us, either by others or by ourselves.

Each word is powerful as it has the ability to bless us or to curse us.

Words that are blessings become empowering beliefs that we hold true about ourselves such as we are strong, intelligent, beautiful, courageous, determined, creative, and kind.

Words spoken as curses often become destructive beliefs that shape our identity in a negative way such as believing we are weak, stupid, unattractive, fearful, incapable, unimaginative, worthless, or selfish. Negative or curse words may also be limiting beliefs which prevent us from taking certain opportunities or trying new things.

For example, if someone were to tell me as a child that I was not artistic and I allowed this to become a limiting belief, I may decide even into adulthood that I am incapable of doing any type of crafting or activity involving artistic skills. While I might never become Michelangelo, I could learn to find much enjoyment in various artistic activities; enjoyment that I would be deprived of if I hold the belief that I cannot do it.

Our stories are made up of more than just words. Like any story, they have a title, a beginning, a middle, and an end.

The Title of Your Story

The title of our life story or autobiography establishes the tone and reveals the central theme or the lens through which we see our story.

Consider, for example, two recent autobiographies: Spare by Prince Harry and Left to Tell by Immaculée Ilibagiza.

The title Spare immediately suggests the existence of someone else who is considered more important. It points to a central theme of being “the one not needed” or “the backup plan.”

On the other hand, Immaculée Ilibagiza’s memoir recounts her miraculous survival of the Rwandan genocide, during which most of her family was murdered. By choosing the title Left to Tell, she conveys a profound sense of purpose and that she survived for a reason.

Identifying the title or theme of our own story is important because it provides direction and meaning, helping us understand the trajectory of our lives and where our story is ultimately leading.

The Beginning

The beginning of our story is the moment that we decide to be the author of our story and to have agency in writing the story. Because the beginning involves agency, it may not even take place until we are an adult.

The opposite of agency is being a victim of our story. A victim believes that they have no agency and no choice.

While we might not have control over everything that happens to us, we do have the ability to choose how we are going to respond to our story and how we are going to think about our story.

Katherine Wolf is a profound example of how someone can choose to think about their story. When Katherine was 26 years old, she suffered a severe and unanticipated stroke having been previously very healthy. She survived against all odds but was left profoundly disabled from the surgery that saved her life. Katherine didn’t choose to have the stroke and could have become the victim of what happened to her. Instead, she chose to use agency to see her story as beautiful and a life worth living. This choice to see her life as good and beautiful even with hard things has in turn impacted the lives of people all over the world.

The Middle and the Ending

In the middle of the story, we have no idea what the ending will look like.

As a result, we struggle with what is known as negativity bias which can be a protective mechanism from things that are harmful but can also cause us to become stuck.

Our negativity bias means that without even trying we pay attention and hold onto negative words or events. On the other hand, we have a very difficult time paying attention to and holding onto positive words or events.

If we receive one negative comment, we immediately latch onto it as truth whereas it can take anywhere from 5-15 positive comments for us to believe that it is true.

This innate mechanism to pay attention to and hold onto the negative can lead to resentment or bitterness. Resentment and bitterness keep us in a holding pattern, causing us to become stuck in a single moment rather than allowing us to move forward and experience new ones.

This sense of being “stuck” is sometimes described as feeling “on the outside looking in”—longing to participate fully in life but finding ourselves unable to do so. This becoming stuck due to our negativity bias can cloud the middle of our story and cause us to write much of our story surrounding one hardship or suffering instead of seeing more to the story.

Jane Marczewski, better known by her stage name Nightbirde, profoundly demonstrated this ability to see beyond suffering during her iconic America’s Got Talent audition. At first, the judges assumed she was like any other contestant; however, as the audition continued, they learned that she had been living with late-stage cancer for several years and had less than a 2% chance of survival.

When they remarked that no one would have guessed she had cancer based on her joyful demeanor, Jane replied, “It’s important that everyone knows that I’m so much more than the bad things that have happened to me.” After her performance, Simon Cowell struggled to reconcile the joy she radiated with the weight of her circumstances. Jane simply explained, “You can’t wait until life isn’t hard anymore before you decide to be happy.”

These small choices we make, of how to tell our story well in the middle, shape who become at the end of our story.

Jane, who defied the odds for many years after being diagnosed with late-stage cancer, eventually succumbed to the disease. Yet she left behind a remarkable witness to what it means to live and die well. She captured this beautifully in one of her many poems, “A Hero in the Flames”.

If I were to die
It would be with the reflection of the mountains in my eyes
I would die with sun-pink cheeks
And a mouth full of blackberries
…
With dignity and urgency and stubbornness
As a watercolor portrait in the night
A sight to behold, a hero in flames
I would like to die like Joan of Arc

Journaling

Journaling is the practice of writing or drawing our experiences. It helps our brain to process through the thoughts, feelings, and memories that shape our experience. Some individuals find it helpful to keep a book of journaling to be able to look back and reflect over time. Other individuals find it more helpful to journal on individual pieces of paper that can be shredded or burned as way of acceptance and moving on from the experience.

Practicing beauty

As psychiatrist Dr. Curt Thompson says, “we become what we pay attention to”. His work shows that if we pay attention to what is beautiful, our lives and our stories over time also become beautiful. One can practice beauty by spending time with a painting, listening to a piece of music, reading a poem or a piece of literature, and/or spending time in nature.

Therapy

Various forms of psychotherapy such as Narrative Therapy or Internal Family Systems (IFS) with a licensed professional counselor (LPC) can help individuals learn to reframe and retell their stories not simply in a way that is “more positive” but in a way that is actually “more true” to reality.

Homeopathic medicines are gentle, highly diluted, non-toxic preparations that are generally considered safe and are commonly used without risk of adverse effects.

Through using the principle of like cures like, homeopathy may help individuals who feel “stuck” in their story experiencing:

• bitterness
• resentment
• chronic disappointed love
• grief
• difficulty expressing emotion
• indignation
• injustice