Beyond Regret: The Opportunity for Second Chances

Have you ever woken up in the middle of the night replaying a mistake that happened long ago?Have you ever woken up in the middle of the night replaying a mistake that happened long ago?Have you ever woken up in the middle of the night replaying a mistake that happened long ago?

Or found it difficult to concentrate due to wondering how a situation might have been different if you had only made another decision or said something else?

The Miriam-Webster dictionary defines regret as sorrow aroused by circumstances beyond one’s control or power to repair.  Simply put we grieve that we could or should have made other choices.  When stuck in a loop of regret, we become trapped in a moment (or moments) of the past and are robbed of our present and our future.

Based on extensive global research conducted through the American Regret Project, Daniel Pink identified four primary types of regret.

1. Foundation Regrets: regrets surrounding responsibility such as education choices, stewarding health, or financial mistakes
2. Boldness Regrets: regrets regarding the chances such as taking a job opportunity, starting a new relationship, or delaying goals
3. Moral Regrets: regrets involving poor decisions such as selfish choices, risky behaviors, or wronging someone
4. Connection Regrets: regrets involving deep and meaningful purpose which include family relationships, friendships, and romantic relationships

Though regret is typically defined as an emotion it can profoundly affect the whole person.

Physical signs

• muscle tension
• difficulty sleeping or insomnia
• headaches
• trouble concentrating

Mental/Emotional signs

• sadness / depression
• guilt / shame
• anxiety
• irritability
• resentment
• bitterness

Behavioral signs

• perfectionism or overcompensation in trying to fix problems
• excessive self-criticism
• avoiding reminders of situation
• disproportionate fear or procrastination in making decisions
• constantly needing reassurance from other people

Through using an imaging technique called functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI), the brains of various people were studied while they experienced different forms of regret.  The results of this study showed that two main areas of the brain were affected.

The first was the ventral striatum, which is the part of the brain which processes reward, motivation, and pleasure, showed decreased activity.  The ventral striatum is activated, for example, when someone feels love or is excited about their favorite food or an addictive video game.

The second part of the brain affected was the amygdala, which is the part of the brain which process emotions especially fear and aggression, showed increased activity.  The amygdala is stimulated when an individual feels threatened and can activate the fight or flight response.

With the brain’s reward system decreased and alert system increased, a person becomes dominated by worry and caution than by curiosity, motivation, or enjoyment.

In the early seasons of When Calls the Heart, a character named Henry Gowen appears to play the classic villain in a story of an upcoming and rugged Canadian frontier town. The series opens in the aftermath of a devastating mining disaster, portraying a town of widows and their children struggling to survive after the loss of their husbands and fathers.

As the story unfolds, it becomes clear that the mine disaster was likely caused by dangerous mine conditions which were not properly addressed. The widows are convinced that Henry Gowen, the manager of the coal mine, is to blame for the dangerous conditions and the deaths of 47 men and boys. Henry Gowen, however, continues to not only avoid taking the blame for the mining disaster but continues his rise to power unchecked by becoming mayor of the town. In what seems to be another heartless decision, he attempts to evict all the widows and their children from their homes to make room for new miner’s families.

By the end of the first four seasons, Henry has a long list of offenses against the people of Hope Valley including possible murder, slander, theft, and abuse of power including financial exploitation, bribery, and blackmail. He appears untouchable, firmly entrenched in corruption.

Crossroads

When Henry learns of a scheme to murder two people who have enough evidence against him to send him to prison for a long time, he faces a moral crossroads as the weight of this scheme begins to weigh on his conscience. In an unexpected turn of events, Henry decides that he is no longer willing to participate and ultimately risks everything to save the life of his arch nemesis.

Although Henry is convicted, a heartfelt testimony highlighting the good in his character—from a widow who lost both her husband and son in the mining disaster—helps secure his parole, and he is given a second chance to start over in Hope Valley. Even with this second chance, it is apparent that he carries an immense weight and guilt of all his previous decisions and choices.

He admits, “I have learned that life is devastatingly short and fragile and that I will never have enough time to make amends or fix all the things that I have broken. In just one moment without awareness or thought, I can crush something of such beauty and such potential and cause such pain… it feels like something that I will carry with me forever.”

Road to Redemption

The road to redemption is not an easy one and Henry has many temptations and opportunities to choose his old ways. One of Henry’s most significant moments of redemption occurs in a later season when a new character arrives in town with plans to reopen the mines that had previously been shut down because of unsafe conditions.

At first, it appears that Henry is slipping back into his old ways by supporting the effort to reopen the mine. However, he has a different plan in mind. Determined to ensure that no one else suffers the consequences of the dangerous mine, Henry secretly devises a scheme to destroy it, making it impossible to access again. By risking both his own safety and the possibility of returning to prison, Henry demonstrates just how much he has changed. This selfless act ultimately cements his transformation from the town’s villain to one of its heroes.

The Beginning of Something New

Not only must Henry strive toward redemption and a new beginning, but he must also learn to accept the compassion and forgiveness of others and ultimately extend that same grace to himself.

One of the most powerful examples of this occurs when Rosaleen, who lost her father in the mining disaster, returns to Hope Valley as an adult. Upon seeing Henry, she is overwhelmed by anger and resentment that she has carried for years and angerly lashes out at him. Henry accepts her anger, believing that he deserves it.

After a series of events demonstrating how much Henry has changed, Rosaleen approaches him and apologizes for her harsh words. She tells him, “I remember that gruff man that use to control this town and I remember how much I hated him for what he took and how scared I was of him. That man isn’t here anymore. I see that now.” When Henry is finally able to accept the mercy and forgiveness Rosaleen offers him, it creates a profound moment of grace not only for them but for the entire Hope Valley community.

Complete the Grief Cycle

As regret is based on grief that other choices could or should have been made, the first step to overcome regret is to complete the Grief Cycle.  The Grief Cycle contains 5 parts: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.  Regret may manifest as denial (or avoidance of a situation), anger (or excessive control/anxiety), bargaining (or struggling to find meaning), and/or depression (or feeling hopeless).  To move out of these initial first four steps, an individual must first accept their story.  As Katherine Wolf, a stroke survivor, says, the first step towards healing is to allow your own story to break your heart.  It is only after doing the sacred work of grieving and accepting that one can begin the process of healing and moving forward.

Self-Compassion

The remedy to perfectionism and excessive self-criticism is to engage in the practice of self-compassion.  Compassion is not something that comes naturally as humans but is a behavior that is both learned from others as well as practiced.  A simple exercise in self-compassion is to practice speaking kindly to oneself such as saying, “Good morning” and “Good night” as one would to a friend or loved one.  Due to not being a naturally learned behavior, the practice of compassion feels uncomfortable if not even painful at first and only with time begins to feel natural and normal.

Growth Mindset

Another key factor to overcoming regret is to develop a growth mindset.  A growth mindset moves an individual from replaying the past into developing wisdom for the future.  It is the ability to learn from the past and apply these lessons to the present and the future.  It also focuses on developing resilience and on looking for new beginnings in taking new chances and opportunities.

Homeopathic medicines are gentle, highly diluted, non-toxic preparations that are generally considered safe and are commonly used without risk of adverse effects.

Homeopathy, through using the principle of like cures like, may help significantly alleviate or mitigate feelings of:

• guilt
• remorse
• self-condemnation
• disappointment or disappointed love
• feelings of failure
• dwelling on injustice
• anger or suppressed anger
• irritability, grief
• sadness
• depression
• anxiety