If I could earn a dollar for every time I have heard a woman say to me, “I am so sorry to bother you” or “I am sorry for the inconvenience”, I would own a very expensive house.

If I could earn a dollar for every time I have personally said similar things, I would probably be one of the richest woman in the world.

This need to constantly apologize for one’s thoughts, actions, speech, or even simple existence in a room is a sign of a much deeper issue: unresolved shame.

The Problem of Shame

Shame says that something is wrong with me or that I am not enough or that I am not wanted here.  Feeling like you are somehow “bad” or “not enough” or “not wanted” is a slippery and dangerous slope as it influences one’s trajectory in life from making poor choices regarding our well-being to ending up in dangerous relationships with other people who take advantage of us through manipulation and abuse.

Shame is not always so apparent as it will disguise itself in a way that seems somehow good or will benefit us.

Many women who struggle with “taking up space” are seemingly some of the kindest, generous, and humble and unassuming women.  They seem to be completely selfless, always looking out for the needs of others without seeming to ever have a need themselves.

However, this constant giving, seemingly hardworking and selfless generosity eventually ends up becoming a flame that consumes the woman herself.

Shame and the Immune System

I’ve seen many women over the years eventually develop various autoimmune conditions or female cancers which are the result of her immune system no longer functioning as it should.  The immune system’s main job is to protect the rest of the body from things that could somehow harm the body; when the immune system fails, a person becomes vulnerable to a variety of diseases and conditions.

When an individual’s mode of existence is to believe that deep down, they are somehow “bad” or “not enough” or “not wanted” and continues to make choices and enter relationships that support these deep-seated beliefs, a person’s physical protection system will eventually reflect the lack of an inner protection system.

Signs of Apologizing for Taking Up Space

  • Feeling like an inconvenience, imposition, nuisance, burden or a bother
  • Fear of being rejected or of abandonment
  • Fear of being “too much”
  • Wanting to be invisible or to disappear
  • Feeling disconnected from emotions or emotionally numb
  • Staying constantly busy and always needing to feel “productive”
  • Perfectionism or people pleasing

Causes of Fear of Taking Up Space

There are a variety of causes and factors which contribute to having a fear of taking up space.

How you were raised:

Children who are raised by parents who were emotionally unstable, emotionally absent, or who have narcissistic tendencies are more prone to feelings low self-esteem and shame. Instead of learning a healthy self-worth and appropriate self-care, these children learned from a young age how to emotionally regulate their parents and disregard or suppress their own needs to create a “safe” environment.  These children take this conditioning into adulthood and continue in other unhealthy relationships as these relationships feel “safe” and “normal”.

Trauma:

Various forms of trauma, especially experiences involving abandonment, betrayal, or neglect, may shape core beliefs of being fundamentally flawed or not enough or a fear of rejection. An individual with these underlying feelings may adopt a pattern of minimizing their presence or needs as a self-protective mechanism, rejecting themselves before others have the opportunity to do so.

Spiritual abuse:

Spiritual leaders or figures of spiritual authority may weaponize virtues of selflessness, humility, and generosity by treating them as ultimate goals rather than as means towards the end goal of human flourishing. When these virtues become ends in themselves, an individual can gradually lose their sense of dignity, agency, and self-worth.

Neuroscience of Belonging

When an individual is living in state of shame and of fear, their brain continually activates the sympathetic (or stress) response.

The six main stress responses are: fight, flight, freeze, flop/faint, fawn, and fine.  The responses of fight or flight are an active response to stress where a person may confront the perceived stressor or attempt to escape it.  If neither option feels possible, the brain may shift into a freeze response, where the person becomes immobilized or “plays dead.” When this reaction becomes more intense, it can progress to flop or faint, which may involve collapse or dissociation.  Other stress responses include fawning, which involves people-pleasing or appeasing others to reduce threat, and the “fine” response, which reflects denial or masking distress by insisting everything is okay.

In his book, The Soul of Shame, Dr. Curt Thompson, a psychiatrist, discusses how belonging is the antidote to shame.  To belong, we need to feel safe, seen, soothed, and secure in what he calls an attuned relationship.

When we live in a state of shame and fear, the neural connections of our brain our disorganized and fragmented whereas when we live in a state of belonging, the neural connections in our brain become integrated and whole.  Dr. Curt Thompson also explores how belonging is cultivated through authentic relationships and community.  To build the courage to enter these relationships and engage with community, we first must be present and take up space in the room.

Unapologetically Present Story Spotlight

In the film adaption of Seeking Persephone, a young woman in the 1800’s, Persephone consents to an arranged marriage with the wealthy duke of Kielder, Adam, to prevent her family from falling into complete poverty and destitution.

After the death of her mother at a young age, Persephone not only becomes a mother figure to her younger siblings but also becomes the provider of the family due to her father living in his own world.  She is known by all her siblings as extremely selfless and generous; always putting their needs above her own.

When considering whether to accept the duke’s proposal of marriage without knowing anything about his character, she tells her sister that “this family’s happiness is worth any sacrifice”.  Her sister wisely asks her back, “Is not your happiness worth something as well?”  Persephone, who was named after the Greek myth, tells her sister that the Persephone in the myth “doesn’t get to be happy” implying that her own happiness is also of no consequence or worth.

“Is not your happiness worth something as well?”

Persephone’s belief that she is not worthy of happiness seems to be prophetic upon her meeting and marriage to the Duke of Kielder.  It is quickly apparent that the duke has beast-like qualities though being ill-tempered, prone to anger, selfish, and reclusive.  Persephone spends much of her new life hiding in the immense castle garden crying from sorrow and loneliness.

A Change in Perspective

While Persephone’s ill-fated marriage seems doomed, there are two moments that begin to change her perspective of her story.

The first is a conversation with the duke’s only friend, Harry, who has remained by the duke’s side despite his seemingly constant foul mood and hostility. Harry explains to Persephone that there are two kinds of people in Adam’s life: those he likes and those he respects. The people he respects are those who are not intimidated by him. He encourages Persephone to keep trying, saying that Adam is “worth sorting out.”

The other moment occurs when an uninvited guest and his wife arrive at the castle and are briefly allowed to have tea with Persephone.  The guest tells Persephone that she should not give up hope that happiness can be found to which Persephone reminds him that in the myth “Persephone doesn’t get to be happy”.  The guest in turn challenges Persephone’s perspective by saying “it is the ending of the tale according to you that matters most”.

The Turning Point

These two moments gradually shift the course of the story for Persephone, ultimately contributing to Adam’s transformation.  Persephone slowly recognizes the importance of her own dignity and happiness, learning to stand up and challenge Adam when he acts against these.  As she grows in confidence and character, she becomes not only Adam’s equal but his match. What initially appears to be a tragedy ultimately unfolds as a story of love, belonging, and redemption for both protagonists.

How to Learn Unapologetic Presence

Boundaries

Developing healthy boundaries is an essential but difficult part in learning how to develop unapologetic presence.

Boundaries involve three main components: first, understanding who you are and who you are not, second, being willing to safeguard who you are, and third, recognizing that the only person you can change is yourself.

One of the most successful ways to develop healthy boundaries is to work with a licensed therapist who can both mirror back current behaviors as well as provide accountability for growth.

Developing True Humility

As CS Lewis says, true humility is “not thinking less of oneself but thinking of oneself less.”  Often when an individual is overcome by shame, the temptation is to think less of oneself with beliefs of not being enough, worthwhile, or wanted which is not humility to a form of pride or egotism.

C.S. Lewis’s remedy is to become less absorbed in thoughts about oneself—whether those thoughts are self-critical or self-aggrandizing—and instead focus on being present and attentive to what is before us.

One of the greatest gifts that we can offer someone and that they can offer us is presence of self.  A simple way to cultivate awareness is to gradually become more comfortable with moments of silence both alone and with others.

Reshaping the Narrative

While our brains are very capable of repeating a certain behavior or pattern of belief, they also have the superpower of neuroplasticity or learning a new behavior or belief.  As in developing any new habit, daily practice is essential.

Creating short mantras such as “I belong”, “I am enough”, or “I deserve to take up space” that can be repeated multiple times a day are a simple way to begin developing neuroplasticity.  To help establish a daily practice, many people benefit from using tangible reminders, such as a note on the bathroom mirror, a meaningful piece of jewelry, or scheduled reminders on their phone.

How Homeopathy Can Help

Homeopathic medicines are gentle, highly diluted, non-toxic preparations that are generally considered safe and are commonly used without risk of adverse effects.

Homeopathy, through using the principle of like cures like, may help significantly alleviate or mitigate feelings of:

  • low self-esteem
  • shame
  • unworthiness
  • fears of rejection or abandonment
  • feeling emotionally numb or disconnected

Ready to transform your approach to health?

Discover the benefits of Classical Homeopathy and Mind-Body Medicine.

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